Hey guys,
Can you really heal and rebuild a marriage?
There will be healing that needs to be done together along with the healing of each individual. It can also bring back the intimate connection into your marriage.
One thing for sure, if the affair is still going on or there is still any kind of contact even if it's not sexual there will be NO healing. The best way to do this is to have the wayward spouse send a certified no contact letter in their own handwriting to the affair partner.
An agreement must be made between them that all contact must end between the wayward spouse and the affair partner and it must be permanent. This MUST be done for there to be any healing in the marriage. Every time the agreement has been broken the wayward spouse must tell the betrayed spouse about it as soon as possible.
This will build some trust back up in your marriage if this is done every time. And, in this way everything that needs to be said can be with no interruptions and without adding or saying anything you don't want said. That's what you are clearly trying to avoid.
The wayward spouse should also state how much they have hurt you and how they are going to spend the rest of their life making it up to them.
If the wayward spouse does this just for his/her spouse and continues contact with the Affair Partner, then the Affair Partner won't take the No Contact Letter seriously.
So, the Wayward Spouse must stand firm and continually tell the Affair Partner how much he still loves his wife and wants to work on their marriage.
After the Wayward Spouse has finished the No Contact Letter, the Betrayed Spouse should read it, if it wasn't written together.
Here is an example of a "No Contact Letter":
Dear [put name here],
The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel.
I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family.
Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you.
Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.
Sincerely,
[name here]
Wayward Spouse's are usually afraid to say and tell all, as they don't want to cause great pain for their spouse. What some Wayward Spouse's don't realize is that lying and lying by omission just causes more pain and trauma in the Betrayed Spouse making it feel like your both back to square one.
They have to know that they will not be attacked when disclosing any information. This is why it's a good idea, when first starting out with this and emotions are running very high, to do this in front of a counselor or marriage coach.
When full disclosure of the affair doesn't happen the trust and respect one for the other just never materializes. The affair will always be a wedge in the middle of their marriage. It has been found that not fully disclosing the affair details to the Betrayed Spouse that the Wayward Spouse stays emotionally attached to the Affair Partner. There is a much higher percent of the affair continuing or another affair happening later on.
It actually causes more damage to the Betrayed Spouse to find out bits of information later on, on their own. I believe that it needs to be written down on paper. The Betrayed Spouse should be able to ask questions and the Wayward Spouse should answer them with kindness and patience.
If you think you are going to explode with anger or be very upset, then STOP and walk away until you can begin again. The Betrayed Spouse did not make them do it (having the affair). That is the choice of the person getting involved in the affair and has nothing to do with what the Betrayed Spouse did or didn't do.
Now, the Betrayed Spouse should be responsible for some of the problems in the marriage and for taking it upon themselves to fix their parts in the breakdown of the marriage. This sometimes can be a very hard thing to actually believe. So, there are some things that should be done right away in repairing your marriage.
The big thing is to be totally honest with one another. Also, don't attack each other for how the other is feeling. Hide nothing!! Be an open book, both of you!
If you're reading this and want more help in dealing with affair in marriage and surviving infidelity then you might want to take a look at Dr. Frank Gunzburg Step-by-Step System For Saving Your Relationship After It's Been Shattered By An Affair.
Click here to use his system on surviving infidelity and affair in marriage.
Your marriage might depend on it.
If this is you?
"I Wanted To Strangle My Husband Ray When I Caught Him Red-Handed In An Affair"
"I Felt So Devastated, Enraged and Humiliated. I Never Dreamed I Could Save My Marriage, Let Alone Trust Him Again..."
- Kathie Brown
Testimonials from those surviving an affair
These are real testimonies, from real people that have gone through Dr. Frank Gunzburg system. They cover everything from repairing their emotions to rebuilding the trust back into their marriage. Please go through them and experience the kind of transformation that is possible with my system.
"I learned how to start trusting my wife again."
"You are a big help! You taught me how to take my wife's reassurance at face value and quit doubting her sincerity. After doing that I learned how to start trusting my wife again."
David Woodmansee
Moore, OK
"...we are starting over with a clean slate"
I have been working for a long time trying to rebuild trust with my husband after his affair. He felt that just because he was sorry and wanted to work it out that I should IMMEDIATELY trust him again and stopped talking about the affair.
However I still had questions that were haunting me and could not move forward. Once he read your section on how to rebuild the trust, he understood more about what I needed from him!
It is amazing that some of the things mentioned in your section are exactly what I wanted to happen. Of course when I said it, he didn't give much thought to it but I guess seeing it in writing from an actual author made it real.
After reading just this one section and understanding what I needed from him my husband agreed to answer ANY question in regards to his affair that I had. Believe me it wasn't easy for either one of us to actually have to tell the truth about what happened on his part and for me to hear it.
But now for the first time I honestly feel like we are starting over with a clean slate.
Thank you Dr. Gunzburg!"
Nicole Williams
Oceanside, CA
"I feel more secure and feel that I can begin to trust him again."
"Building trust has been the biggest challenge for us and at times appeared to be impossible. The tips that you provided have been great because it has made my spouse understand my feeling s and needs better and I feel more secure and feel that I can begin to trust him again. Thanks!"
Lylla Childress
Cary, NY
"you made us more understanding, open and empathetic to each other."
"Dr. Gunzburg, you helped to restore the trust in my relationship by letting my spouse and myself both know what we were feeling and going through.
We learned that what we are feeling and going through is okay and part of the healing process and you also taught us what the other person is feeling and you made us more understanding, open and empathetic to each other.
You gave me hope to not to give up when we hit a rough patch, but to continue what we were doing and just keep communicating until that rough patch passed, which they do more easily and quickly now."
Rhonda Elkins
Baltimore, MD
"I could have used this information early on."
"I would have liked to have had this information when I first learned about the affair. I could have used this information early on."
Doug Saylor
Snow Shoe, PA
To your relationship success.
P.S. Your Marriage can still be saved (if you want to)! Dr. Frank Gunzburg system includes - Dealing with affair in marriage, healing an affair, rebuild a marriage, healing from an affair, know if your wife having affair, being in an affair, trust after an affair, trusting after an affair, marriage after the affair, can marriages survive an affair, can marriage survive an affair, can a marriage survive an affair and more!
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